My computer is dying, my brain is fading, the stars are rising higher up into the sky. I hear nothing–not even my parents’ muffled voices wafting through the walls of my bedroom, nor the sound of my brother’s music, playing through his radio. Just utter and complete silence. Yet it roars in my brain louder than any tantruming infant or giggling child–sounds, which in my house, are quite common. You’d think that the lack of noise would help my ability to think, not hinder it. There’s so much I want to say. Need to say. To be able to see the words on the screen before me that have been crashing around in my brain for days–it would do me wonders.

      But I can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to say what I need to or explain the utter catastrophe of this lump of cells inside my skull. I’ve typed out dozens of sentences, fragments, words and paragraphs–but none of it seems right. None of it does justice to what I’m feeling and the storm that’s been raging inside of me.

      Truthfully? I fear I’m losing myself. And I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like I’m trapped inside a lost cage and I’m looking in on myself from the outside. I scream and pound at the glass as she slowly fades away, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s entranced with the darkness, following with lilting steps as it draws her deeper and deeper in. She seems completely unaware of the way it’s about to destroy her. And if she isn’t, perhaps she doesn’t care.

 

It was an innocent gesture, yet one that shook me all the same. I looked up at you, confused by the sudden contact, as you pulled me close. I remember the way my heart sped up as your fingers pressed against the small of my back, the way your eyes looked in the sunlight as they met mine–like two pools of sun-kissed chocolate, melting into the horizon. “Careful,” you said. And then you pulled away, as if the touch meant nothing to you. Which it didn’t. But it made me realize that it meant everything to me.

   The heat from your person burns into me, even when we’re hundreds of miles apart. I can feel it tugging at my heart even now–and I can hear your voice, like thousands of cascading whispers sweeping through my brain.

   How unfair that you’re the reason i’m stuck lying awake, and you’re sound asleep. How unfair that your heart doesn’t race whenever our eyes snap up to meet each other’s. How unfair that your skin doesn’t itch to feel its heat matched by my own; to daydream of my fingertips skimming across your lips and to feel the way they hint at what more they could do. For you make me want you, and i despise you for it. How simple my wish is, and yet, how difficult to obtain. It makes me want to scream.

   What are you doing to me?

   Do you know?

   Sometimes, I’m convinced you do.

  you must know, i tell myself. why else would your eyes linger on me after we’ve said hello? why else would your fingers reach up to caress my neck when we embrace? why else would my phone light up with a message from you, just as your face is growing gauzy in my mind’s eye?

    And yet, sometimes, I’m convinced you’re rendered completely and utterly unaware.

Of course you don’t know, I try to convince myself. I tell myself your accidental touches are indeed accidental. I tell myself you don’t know the way your brown eyes cause my heart to triple in speed. I tell myself your hands linger on my hips to keep my steady while we’re dancing, not because you savor the feeling of my curves beneath your fingertips.

      The truth is, you could keep me trapped in this guessing game for as long as you’d like, and still I wouldn’t complain. Because the truth is, I’m not altogether sure if I’m not a willing contender. I enjoy the way you string me along. I enjoy the way I stumble along blindlessly after you, entrapped by your aura of inadvertent intoxication.

      I act is if I’m helpless against you. But the truth is, I’m not.

      Not in the slightest.  

      I could stop if I wanted to. I could wrench my heart free, strangled and torn, but still steadily pulsing. I could become sober again, if I really tried.

      But I don’t want to.

it seems as if my heart exists solely to drum for you. it seems as if my blood exists solely to rush to my cheeks whenever i see you. it seems as if my fingers exist solely to long to trace them across your skin. it seems as if sleep exists solely for dreams of you. it seems as if my mind exists solely to remind me of you.

you are the reason.

you are the reason for my thumping pulse. you are the reason for the goosebumps rippling across my skin. you are the reason for late nights and love songs and gauzy memories that spill across my brain. ever since i met you, i have become ADHD. i cannot focus. i cannot concentrate. you distract me, but i’m distracted without you. can you help me?

you are the reason.

you are the reason for my sleepless nights. you are the reason for my desire for perfection. you are the reason for nearly all of my smiles, for each of my bursts of incandescent happiness. i cannot contain it. i cannot tame it. i cannot fix it. only you can, and you don’t want to. you’re stringing me along, and i am more than willing to be your puppet. at least i have you, in some form.

you are the reason.

you are the reason for my playlists full of love songs. you are the reason i love sunshine and daisies. you are the reason i am sane, and you are the reason i am crazy. please help me. i’ve fallen, quickly and completely, and i didn’t even know until i felt the hard ground beneath me. it knocked the air out of me, and now I’m scrambling, writhing, pleading with you to pick me up—for i am unable to do it myself.

you are the reason.

for this piece, and many more to come. you are the reason my writing exists.

you are the reason.

don’t you worry, my darling. she will leave, once she is done teaching you.

soon her dark eyes will vanish into the night, once she has seen that your tears have dried. soon her weight will lift from your head, once she has seen that you have learned to bear the weight. soon she will stop whispering dark seductions into your ears, once she has seen that it no longer causes your lips to quiver. soon her fingers will no longer linger on your heart, once she has seen that the fissure has sealed.

so don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, my darling. she will leave, once she is finished teaching you.

in life, you will encounter many different types of people. delicate flowers. raging oceans. peaceful forests. towering mountains. vivid sunsets. you will meet thunderstorms, you will meet lightning. you will meet fire, earth, and sky. some will show you how to be still, some will show you how to unleash the wild that tugs inside of you. some will show you the light, and some will show you the darkness that beats deep in your core. do not be quick to dismiss the ones that frighten you. it’s natural to be afraid. to want to stumble back, away from those who entice you into realms once previously only dreamt of. but no, do not be frightened. those people are there for a reason. there is a reason for ocean in your life, and there are reason for flowers. they’re equally important. do not give one favor over the other. for while each element has its lessons, each one has its darkness. soon you may find yourself being pulled deeper and deeper into their reality, their truth, until you’re no longer sure which one is yours. do not be surprised when they abandon you. do not grieve when they find another. rather, be prepared for it the second you allow them into your heart. otherwise, in the cycle of endless people and ideals and truths, you may find yourself without ones of your own. indeed, it’s easy to lose yourself. because sometimes you don’t know the importance of someone until they’re gone, and sometimes you don’t know the impact that someone’s had on you until they’ve vanished and you’re left with half of yourself intact. so pay heed, and remember: sometimes, people come into your life for the sole purpose of showing you what doesn’t belong there.